Something Personal

 

Hiya my lovelies!
 

I know it's been a long time since I last published a post on here.

I usually post about my makes etc. but this post is a little different.

It is also very wordy and VERY long! I suggest you get a cuppa and a comfy chair!

   
     I have been dealing with a chronic illness which has gotten worse over the last year and a half. I am still working as a teaching assistant but I can only work part time now.
 I haven't really made much art as I have difficulty using my hands/arms and am in chronic pain. I have a condition called Fibromyalgia.
It causes widespread chronic pain and fatigue amongst other crappy symptoms. So I'm clumsy and knackered! My body is unreliable. I never know how I'm going to be from one day to the next. I'm on a multitude of meds that would probably knock out a horse, but they don't seem to do much to me!

Most days I cope ok, going to work and managing a household of six can be a challenge and I kinda manage. Sometimes I don't cope so well. Sometimes I stagger or drag myself to work, put on a brave face and carry on. But my family know. My daughters have to wash my hair for me, my husband has to lift me out of the bath. I can't lift the kettle to make a cuppa! Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. I try not to dwell on what I can't do, or slide down the endless spiral of despair and anguish, but it's hard! Outwardly, 'I'm alright, I'm always alright!' (and if you know me IRL this is my catchphrase). Sometimes the energy it takes to keep up the charade is too much and the mask falls away.

This week I'm off work. My body is having a tantrum. My hands don't do what I want. Typing is taking FOREVER!!!! My pain levels are high. My energy levels are low. We decided to buy an electric wheelchair. Just for when I'm struggling.
It's not that I can't walk, it's that I have a limited amount of energy. By the time I've gotten where I want to go, I can't do anything! I feel guilty for my kids missing out on family time out because of my illness. I feel angry for missing out on stuff because of this illness. So it was the logical thing to do. Now I can go places even if I'm having a poorly day and my family don't miss out. I can be pushed and have a kip if need be!

The house is a tip and I'm behind with the washing, (no change there)! Everything seems to take me longer and hurts to do. Which kinda puts me off!
But even though I hurt and feel so bloomin' useless, I am still alive. I can still have a laugh. I can still see all the beautiful things the world has to offer. I can still feel love all around me. I can turn the negative into a positive and I can learn! Life is a series of lessons. Every day we learn something new. So I choose to turn this pain and suffering into a lesson, one that teaches strength. 
After all, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?
My body is feeble but my spirit is strong!

I have been watching lots of arty videos to try and get the creative juices flowing. Unfortunately, I got frustrated with myself as I couldn't physically do what I wanted to. I wanted to join in challenges but the pain and the low energy levels didn't encourage me to create (nor did the grey cloud above my head). 
I signed up to www.arthealssummit.com
and the videos are emailed to you every day. I put all mine in a folder to watch later. I watched some today. They have inspired me to keep going. I plan to have a go at creating some art this week. (By writing it here, it makes me accountable) even if it's just mark making! My soul needs to create! I will post some pics etc. on here so watch this space!

I'm sorry this post was a marathon read but I needed to write it. It's been a long time coming! It also took me ages to type! haha!
So thank you for taking time to visit my blog and come back soon!

Gentle crafty hugs
Sez x